You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
