I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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