she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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