if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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