Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
