I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
