Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
