Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
