Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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