Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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