There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
