I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
