I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
