I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize