Screwed.edu
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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