it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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