Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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