I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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