I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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