the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
