The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
