You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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