Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
