Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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