I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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