I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
