I only kidnapped one of them. chill
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
