Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
