I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
