Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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