Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
