I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
