She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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