marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
