I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just had sex bonerless
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
