I'm drive I can fine osifer
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
