sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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