That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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