how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
