I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
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