im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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