He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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