The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
