I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
