i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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