Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
