I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
