I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
