She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
