whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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