I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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