Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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