The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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