I murdered the dance floor call the cops
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
