if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
my shit smells like andre
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
